what am I worth? updated 10.12.25
"I'll go
I'll be the one to leave
I'm the one that's so secure and beautiful, I'm fine, don't mind me
'Cause my ribs cage nothing worth wondering for
It's me I'll be the one to leave I'll take my gaunt sulk and stoned stare and slip right out, you'll see
'Cause my ribs cage nothing worth caring for
When it is time you'll say I hope that he's fine Not give it a second thought I'm sure he's got it all figured out
'Cause my ribs cage nothing worth caring for If they cage something at all"I'll be the one to leave | Basic Printer
Honestly, I could write a few hundred blogs with with title. I might just keep updating this one when the feeling comes back. It does so fucking often.
October 10 2025
I've been wanting to take more control of my life lately. I've been stuck in a deep rut and I want to change something. So I decided to get my ass up today. Do something. I worked on my blog, which I like. And then I decided to walk to the gas station and subway, because they're not too far, and I need to be more active. I felt really good, too. Confident. Determined. It felt so nice outside, too. It was actually a very nice day. But halfway through the walk I got anxious. Nervous. Mad. Thinking about my mother waking up, finding out I went to subway, and getting mad I didn't get her anything. I didn't work a lot the last week so my paycheck was half what it usually is, and between my necessary bills, paying HER rent, I didn't have a lot of spending money leftover. I shouldn't feel fucking anxious trying to do something for myself- getting a small, healthy meal. And I know that sounds selfish. But I'm not fucking selfish.I am so fucking trapped in this house. I am trapped. I am used and taken advantage of and I have nowhere to run, not right now. I do everything. Give everything. So when I want something for ME, it shouldn't be a problem. But it always is.
My mother makes damn sure I know how much I owe her. Every cent I've costed her from the moment I was born needs to be repaid and the amount goes up every day. I am nothing to her but a bank, a maid, a fucking errand boy. And it's beyond earning my keep. Chores? If course! That's not a problem! Being the only one who does ANYTHING in the house? Being woken up to do ONE task my adult brother is too lazy to do? Being punished for everything? No. Fuck no. And it's hard to explain that my friend is an actually abusive, bad person, when all people see is "wwhhaaa boo my mother wants me to clean" but it's so much more than that. It's been so much more for my entire life.
Every interaction is "what have you done for me today? How much money can you give me today? It's not enough. It'll never be enough. Do this simple task for me because I can't do shit for myself but I'm going to act like you're a bad person for not doing it."
Even writing this blog entry she called for me and yelled at me for not doing my brother's chore. Except I did his chore. But I guess the recycling is late today so I had to put the bin back out. Well, sorry I put the bin out last night and then brought it back up this morning I guess.
All i am is a debt that can never be paid back.
So I'm walking to subway, enjoying the day, and suddenly I'm agitated, nervous, and I'm buying 2 packs of cigarettes, because I've devolved in this habit, because I live in hell, and I mean nothing to anyone if I can't do everything and I can't do everything. I picked up a shift on my brother's birthday because none of my coworkers want to work, and my manager works double the hours she's paid for, so I took the shift, because I don't want my manager working till 12 am, driving 2 hours home, and getting back to work at 5 am for a meeting the next day, but I know there's going to be a fight because i won't be at the most entitled man's birthday dinner. The man who woke me up to clean a pot he used while I was asleep. The man who throws my clean laundry on the gross garage floor when there's a basket 2 feet away. Boo fucking hoo.
Oh, but I'll be paying my mother the money I earn working that day.
My mother always says she's not materialistic. She brags about, thinks it makes her better than everyone. But she is. All I hear from her is price tags. All I hear is how her shit is so important. How much she wants. How she is entitled to everything. How much her kids ruin her pathetic shiny life by existing.